Tag Archives: addiction

Live Again

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You were inside me but only for a while
Only in my dreams do I embrace your smile.

In my thoughts I see you, my bleeding heart is torn
for my darling little baby who would never be born.

Though my arms ache to hold you, my grief so hard to bear.
The pain you must have felt that day, my pain cannot compare.

If I could live my life again, there would be one less regret.
The day I took my baby’s life, the day I can’t forget.

author unknown

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The Meanest Mother
By Bobbie Pingaro, ©1967

 

I had the meanest mother in the whole world.

While other kids ate candy for breakfast, I had to have cereal, eggs or toast. When others had cokes and candy for lunch, I had to eat a sandwich. As you can guess, my supper was different than the other kids’ also.

But at least, I wasn’t alone in my sufferings. My sister and two brothers had the same mean mother as I did.

My mother insisted upon knowing where we were at all times. You’d think we were on a chain gang. She had to know who our friends were and where we were going. She insisted if we said we’d be gone an hour, that we be gone one hour or less–not one hour and one minute. I am nearly ashamed to admit it, but she actually struck us. Not once, but each time we had a mind of our own and did as we pleased. That poor belt was used more on our seats than it was to hold up Daddy’s pants. Can you imagine someone actually hitting a child just because he disobeyed? Now you can begin to see how mean she really was.

We had to wear clean clothes and take a bath. The other kids always wore their clothes for days. We reached the height of insults because she made our clothes herself, just to save money. Why, oh why, did we have to have a mother who made us feel different from our friends?

The worst is yet to come. We had to be in bed by nine each night and up at eight the next morning. We couldn’t sleep till noon like our friends. So while they slept-my mother actually had the nerve to break the child-labor law. She made us work. We had to wash dishes, make beds, learn to cook and all sorts of cruel things. I believe she laid awake at night thinking up mean things to do to us.

She always insisted upon us telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, even if it killed us- and it nearly did.

By the time we were teen-agers, she was much wiser, and our life became even more unbearable. None of this tooting the horn of a car for us to come running. She embarrassed us to no end by making our dates and friends come to the door to get us. If I spent the night with a girlfriend, can you imagine she checked on me to see if I were really there. I never had the chance to elope to Mexico. That is if I’d had a boyfriend to elope with. I forgot to mention, while my friends were dating at the mature age of 12 and 13, my old fashioned mother refused to let me date until the age of 15 and 16. Fifteen, that is, if you dated only to go to a school function. And that was maybe twice a year.

Through the years, things didn’t improve a bit. We could not lie in bed, “sick” like our friends did, and miss school. If our friends had a toe ache, a hang nail or serious ailment, they could stay home from school. Our marks in school had to be up to par. Our friends’ report cards had beautiful colors on them, black for passing, red for failing. My mother being as different as she was, would settle for nothing less than ugly black marks.

As the years rolled by, first one and then the other of us was put to shame. We were graduated from high school. With our mother behind us, talking, hitting and demanding respect, none of us was allowed the pleasure of being a drop-out.

My mother was a complete failure as a mother. Out of four children, a couple of us attained some higher education. None of us have ever been arrested, divorced or beaten his mate. Each of my brothers served his time in the service of this country. And whom do we have to blame for the terrible way we turned out? You’re right, our mean mother. Look at the things we missed. We never got to march in a protest parade, nor to take part in a riot, burn draft cards, and a million and one other things that our friends did. She forced us to grow up into God-fearing, educated, honest adults.

Using this as a background, I am trying to raise my three children. I stand a little taller and I am filled with pride when my children call me mean. Because, you see, I thank God, He gave me the meanest mother in the whole world.

 

The Meanest Mot…

Addicted No More

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I reached my one year of sobriety August 14th but that doesn’t mean that it’s still not a struggle. Sometimes I dream of using and when I awake I have a feeling of guilt that threatens to cloud my whole day. What I have learned to do is to make a list of my blessings and take a moment to reflect on them and thank God for bringing me this far. I know he is there holding my hand as I walk thru each day and have faith in the love that heals and sustains me. One day at a time is all we can do and the worst self defeating action is to keep it all inside where it builds up like a boil until it eventually blows. So remind yourself that you are loved and part of love is trust so you need to trust your support group and don’t be afraid to ask for their help. Let them know your having an extra hard day and let them be there for you as you in turn would do the same for them!

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Hi there, since this is my first post I figured I would tell you a bit about me…
I am a thirty something single mother of two teenagers and a recovering addict. I have had Lupus for 18 years now and so I of course have good days and bad days but try to always look on the bright side of things because if I didnt I am sure I would have lost my marbles long ago. I have experienced joy and great happiness as well as deep grief and tramatic events that have left many therapists speechless. I find humor in many things, sometimes at very inappropriate times and believe wholeheartedly that laughter truely heals. I am a christian, daughter, mother, sister, cousin, aunt, stepsister, granddaughter, ex wife, neighbor and friend but mostly I am just me and although I am far from perfect I pride myself in trying to be kind and supportive to those around me even when my first instinct is to poke them in the eyes. I am blessed to have two amazing children, a loving family, and a few loyal friends. I love to sing, write poetry, read and enjoy the simple things in life and look forward to sharing my journey with you in hopes that it will brighten your day and enrich your lives in ways that are yet to be seen. I hope you all have a great Friday night and will stop back soon. Thanks for taking the time to read my blog and spread the love because no matter how awful your day may have been remember that there are always others out there who are going thru worse. Till next time…

A little about me!