The lightning crashed as her feet hit the floor, her shattered heart was pounding, for it could take no more.
Her screams awoke her babies, who slept soundly in their beds, too upset to hold them, she pushed away instead.
After the morning rain came the October snow and as the fog set in, her heart began to know.
Tho not much like him, she had to mimic her Daddy’s will,
And let a numbness take over, a hollowness for which there was no pill.
So the Baby called Big Sister, who couldn’t even speak, they had to get to Denver, for a funeral that week.
Baby looked to heaven and said a silent prayer, “Mama can you hear me? Is anybody there? Is Big Brother with you? I just don’t understand and I really need somebody to firmly take my hand!”
From heavan to her heart she heard a voice she knew “It’s time to hold their’s baby, it’s time to let them thru!
Your Brothers still beside you and we’ll always be right here, but the rest of the family needs you, to love and hold them near…
God gave you this numbness and the strength to ride out this storm. But it’s up to you to stand together and find a whole new norm.”
“Everything is so superb and breathtaking. I am creeping forward on my belly like they do in war movies.”
Do you ever feel like things are going so well for you that you’re sitting around waiting for the other shoe to drop? That is how I am feeling this week and its bittersweet. I have spent the last decade walking around with a hole in my heart the size of the Grand Canyon on a path of self destruction. I was stuck in a cycle of grief and unconsciously feeling guilty for being alive and getting thru each day just to get to the next and the next and the next until I was finally allowed to die and be reunited with my Mother and Brother who passed away four months apart from one another in 2000 and my best friends. I strongly believe that suicide is a very selfish act and could never leave that legacy or cause my loved ones the same pain that had been torturing me for so long. I will divuldge more in posts to come but long story short I recently had what in rehab they call a ‘spiritual awakening’ and it was so intense that it could not be denied! God reached down from heaven and bitch slapped me so hard that after a twelve year temper tantrum, I hit my knees and spoke to the God of my childhood whom I had turned my back on like a hurt and angry child who didn’t get her way. As I prayed and wept, asking for forgiveness, that hole in my heart began to shrink and I was filled with the peace, comfort and love that I had felt as a small child and the healing began! Prior to this I had become so depressed that I could not even get off the couch and was unable to see my future past the kids graduating and moving out. I lost my passion for life, forgot who I was and didnt feel worthy of even loving myself (in spite of many anti depressants) and I realized that I had never been left alone! Then after forgiving myself for being so selfish and missing out on alot of happy memories as my babies literally grew up before my eyes and my marriage failed, I knew what I had to do and God removed his hand from my eyes so that I could see the path laid out before me. This change in me, this peaceful joy that has filled my heart and soul is amazingly powerful and frightening at the same time. Its like waiting for the other shoe to drop and having to just trust that the light that I now can see at the end of this tunnel is not a train…