Now you will feel no rain, for
each of you will be shelter for the other.
Now you will feel no cold, for
each of you will be warmth to the other.
Now there will be no loneliness, for
each of you will be companion to the other.
Now you are two persons, but
there is only one life before you.
May beauty surround you both in the
journey ahead and through all the years.
May happiness be your companion and
your days together be good and long upon the earth.
Treat yourselves and each other with respect, and
remind yourselves often of what brought you together.
Give the highest priority to the tenderness,
gentleness and kindness that your connection deserves.
When frustration, difficulties and fear assail your relationship, as
they threaten all relationships at one time or another,
remember to focus on what is right between you,
not only the part which seems wrong.
In this way, you can ride out the storms when
clouds hide the face of the sun in your lives –
remembering that even if you lose sight
of it for a moment, the sun is still there.
And if each of you takes responsibility for
the quality of your life together,
it will be marked by abundance and delight.
I reached my one year of sobriety August 14th but that doesn’t mean that it’s still not a struggle. Sometimes I dream of using and when I awake I have a feeling of guilt that threatens to cloud my whole day. What I have learned to do is to make a list of my blessings and take a moment to reflect on them and thank God for bringing me this far. I know he is there holding my hand as I walk thru each day and have faith in the love that heals and sustains me. One day at a time is all we can do and the worst self defeating action is to keep it all inside where it builds up like a boil until it eventually blows. So remind yourself that you are loved and part of love is trust so you need to trust your support group and don’t be afraid to ask for their help. Let them know your having an extra hard day and let them be there for you as you in turn would do the same for them!
“Everything is so superb and breathtaking. I am creeping forward on my belly like they do in war movies.”
Do you ever feel like things are going so well for you that you’re sitting around waiting for the other shoe to drop? That is how I am feeling this week and its bittersweet. I have spent the last decade walking around with a hole in my heart the size of the Grand Canyon on a path of self destruction. I was stuck in a cycle of grief and unconsciously feeling guilty for being alive and getting thru each day just to get to the next and the next and the next until I was finally allowed to die and be reunited with my Mother and Brother who passed away four months apart from one another in 2000 and my best friends. I strongly believe that suicide is a very selfish act and could never leave that legacy or cause my loved ones the same pain that had been torturing me for so long. I will divuldge more in posts to come but long story short I recently had what in rehab they call a ‘spiritual awakening’ and it was so intense that it could not be denied! God reached down from heaven and bitch slapped me so hard that after a twelve year temper tantrum, I hit my knees and spoke to the God of my childhood whom I had turned my back on like a hurt and angry child who didn’t get her way. As I prayed and wept, asking for forgiveness, that hole in my heart began to shrink and I was filled with the peace, comfort and love that I had felt as a small child and the healing began! Prior to this I had become so depressed that I could not even get off the couch and was unable to see my future past the kids graduating and moving out. I lost my passion for life, forgot who I was and didnt feel worthy of even loving myself (in spite of many anti depressants) and I realized that I had never been left alone! Then after forgiving myself for being so selfish and missing out on alot of happy memories as my babies literally grew up before my eyes and my marriage failed, I knew what I had to do and God removed his hand from my eyes so that I could see the path laid out before me. This change in me, this peaceful joy that has filled my heart and soul is amazingly powerful and frightening at the same time. Its like waiting for the other shoe to drop and having to just trust that the light that I now can see at the end of this tunnel is not a train…